Thursday, March 1, 2012

Hello. ("...Is It Me You're Looking For?")


*waves*

Now that I’ve put that Lionel Richie song into your head, I thought I’d drop in and say hello.

Hi.

It’s been awhile. And in case you’ve started reading recently and you’ve never seen me before, hi there! I’m Kathryn.

I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I haven’t felt up to blogging for the past few months. I think most of you know what happened to me. Maybe some of you were wondering. Maybe not. I don’t really know. Anyway there’s really not a glamorous way of going about this, so I’ll just lay it all out there.

My mother passed away in November, and it sucks.



She went peacefully, and I was at her side the morning she took her last breath. I held her close. And the last words she heard were, “Mommy, I love you.”

She lived a long and happy life, and although her struggle with Alzheimer’s Disease was excruciatingly painful, I know that I have so, so much to be grateful for. I’d never be able to sum up in words how much she meant to me (and how much she continues to mean to me), so I won’t even try. Needless to say, I love her a lot and I miss her every day.

A wise friend told me that there's no real prescription or playbook in dealing with grief; that it'll just take time. And I've been doing the best I can. I still enjoy hockey. I ran my first half marathon, and I finished the race in fairly decent time despite having a chest cold at the time and having to halt training a few weeks prior to the race.

with Joe Thornton of the San Jose Sharks, finishing the Tinkerbell Half Marathon,
and with Teemu Selanne of the Anaheim Ducks





And I still like pretty things.


quick snap OOTD Instagram from a few weeks back, featuring Jason Wu for Target blouse and skirt,
Forever 21 necklace, Ivanka Trump blush pink heels and Hello Kitty two-finger ring


I do miss her. A lot. But I’m okay. And I’ll be okay. And I’m grateful for the support of great friends.




And I’ll continue to poke my head in to say hello here and there, if it’s okay.


"Miss Sampaguita" circa 1956


Christmas 2010


Thanks for reading. And thanks for your understanding.

xoxo

46 comments:

  1. Sending you lots of love and hugs, Kathryn. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom.

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  2. I burst into tears when I read your post. I have a couple of family members battling terminal illnesses, and a close friend of mine lost her husband last October. So your post certainly hit home. I'm so sorry for your loss Kathryn. I send my condolences to you and your family during this difficult time. Your mom is at peace now and no longer has to suffer. I'm sure she knew how much you loved her.

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  3. I lost my mom suddenly 12 years ago....at first it was just unbearable..then slowly sadness was pushed away by memories of all the good times. It will take time but it will happen. The memories you have of your mom will be in your heart forever, someday you will actually be able to laugh out loud about the funny moments you shared with her. Nancy

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss Kathryn. I lost my mama 15 years ago so I know the pain and grief your feeling now. Sending my love and condolences to you and your family. And kudos to you for running your first half marathon!!

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  5. Hi Kathryn, I am so sorry for your loss and grateful that you felt up to sending us an update. I've missed your posts but certainly understand why you haven't felt like blogging. I hope you know that your readers are sending you lots of love and prayers. I'm sure I don't just speak for myself on this one.
    Mechelle

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  6. Just wanted to say, Welcome Back, Kathryn! It's nice to see you on the blog again. I'm so sorry for your loss, but what a sweet memory it is to know that the last words your mom heard was how much you loved her. {HUGS}
    --Wendy

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  7. I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Losing a parent is so difficult. I lost my father last November and I agree, time always makes things a little easier. Although, I think a piece of you goes missing with the loss of someone so close and especially a parent. Thinking of you <3

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  8. I am so sorry for your loss, take care.

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  9. I am usually a silent reader but this blog entry just made me choke up. Just the pictures alone speak a thousand words.Btw, I think you look a lot like your mom in the Miss Sampaguita picture (is that a filipino "balintawak" dress i see?) and I think that she lives within you! My prayers are with you!

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  10. {{{Hugs}}} I was wondering where you were, and I'm so sorry for your loss. Your mom was BEAUTIFUL! You can see where you got your great looks for. Glad to see you pop in and thanks for sharing.

    xx Vivian @ http://diamondsandtulle.blogspot.com

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  11. Thanks for sharing this with us. I'm so sorry for your loss, but glad that you were with your mother at the end, and that she knew how much you love her. What a beautiful woman! I see where you get your looks from :) I hope you're able to keep focusing on your happy memories of her, and living a life that would make her proud.

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  12. My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that we're here to supoort you 100%. Lots of hugs!

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  13. I am so sorry for your loss. Your mother was beautiful and it seems like she lived a beautiful life as well.

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  14. Oh Kathryn...I'm so sorry for your loss. I wondered why we haven't heard from you in a while, but I figured that life just got in the way. Thank you for sharing this with us...I'm sure it wasn't easy. You mother was truly a beautiful woman. I hope that you find comfort in the memories of your mother at this difficult time. My prayers are with you and your family. {HUGS}

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  15. Thanks for sharing. I had wondered where you were. So glad that you got to say goodbye to her for now.

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  16. No words can ever express how deeply sorry I am to hear about your loss. My condolences to you and your family. Please take care of yourself!!!

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  17. It's so nice that you were able to whisper those words to your mom before she left. Lots of love.

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  18. Lots and lots of love to you. Your mom was do beautiful. May she rest in peace and watch over you.

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  19. What a beautiful tribute to your mother, Kathryn. She was a beautiful woman, and so are you.

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  20. Lots of love Kathryn! Its wonderful to see you back.

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  21. I can't even imagine (and I don't want to) the grief at losing someone so close, especially after your care and struggles in the years before. You look so stunningly alike, and I know you were very close. Welcome back, and it's nice to see your smiling face around here again (you know, there's that other Kate who's just chomping at the bit to turn this into her own style blog!)

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  22. That last photo is just beautiful, you can see the love in both of your eyes. Im sorry for your loss, and Alzheimer's is sad, as I saw what it did to my beloved grandma years ago...Surround your life with people you love and things that matter to your heart, I am sure that is what your lovely mother would have wanted. Take care, Suzie,

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  23. Hi Kathryn, so glad you popped in to say hi! *hugs* for your loss, your mother is a beautiful woman and she did an amazing job raising such a beautiful daughter! Xoxo Gina

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  24. Really lovely post Kathryn. Thank you. I can't even imagine. But thanks for sharing. Take good care of yourself and your family!! We'll look forward to seeing you when you come back around!

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  25. Your mother is lovely. I am sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing. Take care. :)

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  26. Sending lots of hugs and comforting thoughts your way.

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  27. All I can say is You are a great daughter. Everyone should be so lucky. I lost both my parents. My mom when I was 14. And my father when I was in my 30's. No words are ever good enough. But I am sorry for your loss.

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  28. A big hug to you, Kathryn. A real big hug.

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  29. Kathryn,

    Its great to hear from you. I am sorry for your loss and think of you often. I'm glad you have wonderful friends to ease your sorrow. Pop in when you feel like it.

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  30. Aw Kathryn, I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult time. Your sense of humor is still intact on twitter which is great and it's always nice to see you poke your head in here to say hello. Much love to you!!!

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  31. Hi Kathryn, I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. What a wonderful daughter you are. Your photo with you mom made me just burst into tears. All the best to you and your healing. Take care, Michelle

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  32. And what a beautiful picture of your mom as Miss Sampaguita. You both have the same pretty smile. :)

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  33. I'm so sorry for your loss Kathryn! You two are both beautiful and you definitely have her smile! Thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Take care of yourself.

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  34. Oh my, this made me tear up being someone who also lost her mom years ago. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for being brave enough to share your feelings and thoughts. Your mom was a beautiful woman, and I am sure you have inherited many things including that from her. Time does heal, even when late at night it doesn't feel like it at all. And she will live on in so many other ways, even though it is not how you wish it were.
    Blessings and hugs to you K.

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  35. i 've never written in before, but i wanted to say thank you for sharing.your words and love for your mother is beautiful. i lost my father in november too. 58 years old, colon cancer. i sat by his side, and told him i loved him and not to worry, i told him that he could rest now, i told him to sleep and rest. it is by far the hardest thing i have experienced, i am 1st generation Asian Mexican American and the work ethic and humility that he taught me will be with me forever. your words are true. grieving is different for everyone and there is no time limit, or right or wrong.i cry everyday still, but 3 things are helping me get through
    1. prayer and the hope of seeing him again -john 5:28,29
    2. volunteering,doing good for others
    3. the following poem

    I have only slipped away to the next room.
    I am I and you are you.
    Whatever we were to each other,
    That, we still are.

    Call me by my old familiar name.
    Speak to me in the easy way
    which you always used.
    Put no difference into your tone.
    Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

    Laugh as we always laughed
    at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
    Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
    Let my name be ever the household word
    that it always was.
    Let it be spoken without effect.
    Without the trace of a shadow on it.

    Life means all that it ever meant.
    It is the same that it ever was.
    There is absolute unbroken continuity.
    Why should I be out of mind
    because I am out of sight?

    I am but waiting for you.
    For an interval.
    Somewhere. Very near.
    Just around the corner.

    All is well.

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  36. you have her 1000 kilowatt smile =)

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  37. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I know it's so hard feeling like you're losing a close family member to Alzheimer's, but somehow their death is still such a painful shock.

    I teared up a little reading this...your words are both heartbreaking because you've lost someone dear to you and touching because it's so clear that she was a very important person in your life, who continues to be a great influence over who you are today. She seems truly lovely.

    Thanks for sharing. It reminds me how important it is to remind the people I love how I feel about them and to feel grateful to have them in my life.

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  38. Oh Kathryn, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I have missed your blog posts (your amazing humor and great outfits), but of course, can't even begin to imagine what a loss this must be to you. I admire you for your strength. Lots of love to you and your family.

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  39. It's good to hear from you. I have missed your blog post. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. Thank you for sharing. Take care of yourself.

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  40. I am so very sorry to hear about your mother passing. Your pictures you shared of her are lovely. Thank you so much for sharing this.

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  41. Have been thinking of you as I pop in to read the blog and know you were going through some difficult times as you have shared some with the readers. I am so sorry to hear of your mother's passing and know you miss her terribly. I am sure loved having you around her so much and what a comfort you must have been to her.

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  42. Hi, I rarely comment on people's blog but thought I'd reach out and say really sorry for your loss. I lost a parent 6 years ago and I totally know, not just understand, where you're coming from, and it's true, like you said, you'll be just fine with the support of family and friends. And moving forward, you'll always have those memories that you can cherish and pass along... Take care!

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  43. Kathryn, I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like she was a strong lady. It goes without saying she was gorgeous. She lives on through you. xo

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  44. kathryn, i know how much it sucks. my mother just passed away from an 11 year battle with cancer 3 weeks ago and it's still unreal. this weekend i turned 22 and it will be the first of many birthdays without her. it's going to hurt for a very, very long time ... as long as we keep beautiful memories of our beautiful moms in our hearts, it might be okay someday, right?

    here's something i wrote on my mom. there's still so much to say

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  45. Kathryn, I'm so sorry for your loss. There are never any real words in these situations. Thinking of you and sending you some big ol virtual hugs. I hope it gets easier day by day.

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  46. I'm so sorry for your loss, Kathryn. This post brought tears to my eyes, thanks for sharing this with us. Thinking good thoughts for you and your family. I hope many pretty things come your way to help you smile!

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